— The Perks of Being a Wallflower
We are suppose to decide what we’re going to be when we grow up at a very young age, if you think about it we are making one of the most important decisions in life while we are still very immature, but against all odds we manage to make up our minds. But what if you realize that the thing you wanted, isn’t of your interest anymore? It is like those times where you are all settled up in bed ready to sleep: teeth cleaned, pajamas on, lights off; but out of the sudden you gotta pee so you have to mess your initial plans. Well, that’s kinda whats happening to me, except that instead of having to pee, I realized that what I wanted to be was not an option anymore.
I used to think that I’d be a surgeon, just like my dad. I mean, it’s an exciting job and the pay its ridiculously good, plus your helping people, you’re literary saving lives. I still want to be a doctor, but the barriers and obstacles in MY particular case are just too many and too stressful, and who wants to be stressed while still being young? My dad tells me that I am complicating my life by choosing to go to medical school.. should I listen to him?
They say that everything that’s worth doing it’s going to be very difficult to accomplish, and that the more obstacles, the better the price. But in this crazy and fast moving world, where good people (like me) are being screwed up by bad people, my only goal is to be happy and worry-free.
At the end we must ask ourselves: is it the only way?
— Carrie Bradshaw
There is something about summer that makes us a little more hopeful that the other stations, like the need to read those books you’ve been putting off all year long but currently are motionless in your nightstand, or that great beach trip you are planning with your best friends, or that instrument you want to learn to play but you are just too lazy to practice, and we want to do all of this and more BEFORE summer ends, so most of the times we end accomplishing only one thing, if not any. So what is it about this season that makes us want to do all this wonderful and crazy stuff?
Like the past two summers, I have one main goal, to workout in order to get the body of my dreams. So to make little progress became a member of an exclusive raquet club that offers a large swimming pool, a recently renovated gym, a lor of fitness classes.. and a lot of bitchy. Although I already decided that Ill be taking yoga, spinning, weight training and swimming classes at it, I am pretty sure I’ll be resting by the pool everyday with my best friend Dayana. So there you go, something to cross off my list of the things I will NOT accomplish this summer. (
Working out and get in shape)
I believe that hot weather and all the unnecessary sweating makes us want to escape a little of reality, so to do this I bought more than a couple of books to read through the summer, not to mention that I could need some practice at reading a lot because that’s practically how I am spending my first semester in college will be, reading, partying and, oh yeah, reading. Anyway, wishing I could extract some of the thrill of my unknown-author-thrillers and add it into my life, I plan to get to read as much as 8 books. That’s not such a crazy plan, isn’t it? Well, considering that I usually read like 3 books a year, it is for me.
So maybe we need all of this crazy-almost-impossible summer tasks to fill a hole in our lives, like that feeling of not having a clue of what the hell you are going to do with your life. And maybe, just maybe, we are hoping that if we get at least one of this things done in a little less than 3 months, we will be capable of getting to that place we call happiness…
Last night I dreamed about two things: my best friend coming back home from Europe, and me coming out to my mother and sisters and they taking it very good. So when I woke up I began to think, do dreams really mean something, or are they just the shit of our minds?
Maybe our dreams are actually wake up calls about our current life, what’s good and what’s wrong, what’s missing, what’s not needed anymore, who knows, maybe they were thoughts form our past lives…
Because Coming Out has been a recurring thought in my mind these past hmmm 5 years? And if I mix my two dreams together, I get the memory of the closest time I have ever been to coming out to someone, and that person was my best friend who is in Europe.. So maybe I should start paying attention to my dreams, shouldn’t I?
At the end that’s the magic of dreaming, you can do whatever you want and not suffer from the consequences, and you can discover so many things about yourself that you didn’t even knew were there.
I almost never wake up fully rested and relaxed, but today was different, the weather in my bedroom was neither cold or hot (it often gets very hot at this time of year), the curtains were down so the lighting was very subtle, and most importantly my parents weren’t there to wake me up!
It has come to my attention that one of the first things I do when I wake up is checking my cellphone, and most days I find almost nothing interesting on it, but today was different; there was an email form my college’s housing office on my inbox telling me that my dorm application was complete and that I was going to hear from them soon for dorm placement.. I’m sorry but I think that’s freaking awesome, so I began to wonder: can college come soon enough?
I can’t wait for college, because for me it represents a way out of the hole I live in, and by hole I mean the small town I live in, my close minded friends and my over protective parents (just to name a few descriptions of this “hole”). Although this will be an extreme change for me, any negatives that may come will be out-shined by the beautiful positive things college has to offer me.
So maybe I am dealing with a lot of mornings waking up not-fully-rested right now, but as soon as I sleep in my dorm bed, away from everything in here, I’ll be OK. Am i running away from my problems? I don’t think so, I’m just taking the most beautiful and outstanding way to solve them, and I know what’s next for me are happy and relaxed mornings, with me waking up.. to life
In a small city your options for going out are very limited, so it’s perfectly normal to take advantage the few perks of this, for example our typical cheap sushi Thursdays.
As my friend Dayana and I ate our sushi and chatted, we got to our most talked-about topic of conversation: our past, or better yet, our not-so-long-ago high school memories. We always get very emotional with this stuff, we just can’t believe that its been a year since we graduated! So as I took a sip of my tea I couldn’t help but wonder, do we ever get over our high school years?
For some people HS was the worst, but that’s not the case for me and Dayana. Men, we had a blast back then! -“Oh my god, and do you remember that we always had lunch with the seniors?”- she said as I ate my last roll of sushi -“I hate to think that even the greatest amount of money won’t get us back there”-
With that last sentence a piece of my heart broke. She was right, even
if when we accomplish our dreams and get very rich, or even if we have lots of better new experiences, nothing will ever be the same as high school, I mean, we were just completely clueless and careless back then!
-“It doesn’t matter Dayana, we lived it and we loved it, but now were leaving this small town and great things are coming for us, you’ll see”- I was almost convinced by my last phrase.. the next day I sent my college dorm application.
OK, so I’ve always wanted to start a blog.. well no, I’ve always wanted to tell the truth, but I never had. Is it me that I’m afraid of? Is it really fear? what could I possibly lose if i just come clean? what is it that it’s so hard for me to come out of the closet? Sure I’ve been honest in almost everything else in my life, but in the end I am not being honest with myself and how I project myself to others, so, how d different my life would be if I come out?
Too much questions, I know, but right now that is what mi life is about, questions and more questions.. but so very few answers.